BY DR. ALYSA LUCAS

Romantic comedies are supposed to be movies full of dreamy, idealistic, and passionate potential relationships (romantic) focusing on the cute hiccups and bumps along the way to the potential relationship becoming an actual relationship (comedy). Right? RIGHT? As someone who teaches hundreds of college students each year about competent communication in relationships, let’s just say I’m concerned. We need to take off our rose-colored glasses while we watch these movies because it seems the romantic dream may actually be a nightmare. And, those cute bumps may be dangerous terrains that can be difficult to navigate. We should all be concerned that romantic comedies communicate a lot more about the dark side of relationships and how we may end up accepting the dark side, like deception, as our normal.

Our rose-colored glasses can hinder our ability to identify potentially problematic behaviors in our relationships. For example, I show clips from the classic romantic comedy movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, in my relationship classes and I’ll hear comments like, “I love this movie” or “This is my favorite movie,” and I have to ask them: “Why?” I mean, everything is based on a lie. In this movie, Andie, played by Kate Hudson, sets off to see what happens when she employs a series of “needy” relationships behaviors because, if she can do this, her boss will let her write a more “serious” article. To be able to write this article for her magazine, she has to find someone in which to “date” and then “lose” in 10 days. She easily meets Ben, played by Matthew McConaughey, at a bar/restaurant because his co-workers have set him on a bet to get Andie to fall in love with him in time to bring her to a work ball conveniently 10 days away! How can Andie lose a guy who’s simultaneously trying to win her over? The heart of the issue here truly is that, individually, they are both willing to deceive another person to fulfill their own agendas without consideration of the others’ thoughts, feelings, goals, and more. In fact, he tagline of the movie is “One of them is lying. So is the other one.” Yikes Fest! When did deception become dreamy and cute? Honestly, in all the years I’ve taught relationship classes, I don’t remember deception having a place in the “Top Ten Traits We Look for in Relational Partners” lists we create in class. No, instead, students noted wanting partners who were attractive, funny, ambitious, trusting, and caring, and it makes me wonder if movies show us these types of traits are just not realistic.

Because it apparently doesn’t matter that Andie and Ben misrepresented themselves, omitted their true goals, and manipulated the other through romantic or needy gestures because it was simply the means to reach the end (i.e., win their respective bets). Showcasing these types of acts make it seem like we’re normalizing bad behavior and encouraging starting or ending one’s relationship by any means necessary, and forget questioning trust once in a relationship because that’s not truly who they are, right? “I just did it for this other agenda, but now that we’re together, don’t worry, I’ll never lie to you.” Sure. Certainly, deception is inherently going to be part of our relationships, but romantic comedies make lies a new norm. I mean, are bets the best way we can find our romantic partners? In the movie, She’s All That, Zach (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) seeks out Laney (Rachel Leigh Cook) to make her the most popular girl in school as part of a bet with his friends. In this case, his pride and ability to make a girl over are on the line and the only way he has a chance to win is by lying to Laney. And, once Laney is interested and discovers his lies, how is she supposed to know what acts and behaviors have been real and what ones were for the bet?

Listen, I’m not completely naïve to think that we’re completely honest while dating. We’re not. We highlight our positive traits and interests for apps and online profiles. We share our funniest and most interesting stories and avoid talking about our failures on first dates. And, in early dating, we leave our partner’s house to poop so we don’t stink up their bathroom. This is what makes relationships both terrifying and exciting – we reveal information about ourselves over time and hope that we fall in love. In when in love, we can trust our partners with our secrets, failures, and the bathroom stuff. But, how many times will we have to see elaborate lies between potential partners before we start to believe that is the only way we can win someone over? Or, we start to believe that lying is a necessary part of the courting process or maintenance of the relationship? If you want trust in relationships, lying will not help you achieve this relational goal.

So, be mindful of the glasses you wear when watching romantic comedies because lies are never rosy, dreamy, or romantic. Although we all participate in white lies and other types of deceptions frequently, the foundation of a relationship should not be built on lies because that relationship is likely to last as long as a love fern you don’t water.

Alysa is an Assistant Professor of Communication at Central Michigan University where she teaches classes in Interpersonal Communication, Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication, Lying & Deception, and more. She also hosts a podcast about friendships called Best Forevers: A Podcast for Kindred Spirits and a true crime podcast where her friends join her to discuss cases that have stuck with them called Fataliteas. She believes that everyone deserves to be happy, healthy, and safe, and this mantra guides her personal life, teaching, research, and podcasts.